Dear Dr. Garner,
I hope you can help me.
It has become very difficult to live with my husband. He is constantly angry. It is disrupting our family life. He never hits anyone but is never happy.
Is there any way to help stop this behavior? He was not always like this.
Angry Husband in Astoria
Dear Angry Husband,
I was just talking about this topic to my good friend and colleague Joanne Lagnese, patient services director at New York Methodist Hospital, Park Slope.
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Anger is not only destructive to others but can be harmful to your own health. New studies have shown that anger increases your chance of heart attacks, high blood pressure and diabetes. It can even affect your immune system.
When anger begins, the body prepares itself for a threat. The muscles tense, and digestion stops. The brain starts to send chemicals out throughout the body, preparing it for a big fight. People who are angry make themselves unpleasant and experience headaches, insomnia and anxiety.
With proper management, anger can be channeled constructively. This involves learning to recognize signs that one is becoming angry and developing plans to calm down when this occurs.
Management of anger does not mean eliminating it. Anger is actually a normal healthy emotion. The key is to express it properly. In developing an anger management plan, it is important to recognize one’s frustrations as soon as they begin and deal with them in a calm, collected way.
Signs You Need Help
Some of the signs that point to a need for anger-management help are: feeling that you have to hold in your anger; trouble with the law; constant arguments with your loved ones; and physical violence accompanying anger.
It is important to be able to talk to others regarding your needs, how you feel and why you are angry. You will have decreased stress and maintain better health, including better sleep habits, fewer headaches and stomach problems.
Some ways to lessen anger are:
1. Taking a “time out.” Before you react to a situation that you know will make you tense or angry, breathe deeply and count to 10.
2. Think before you speak. It is easy to say something you will regret. Before saying anything, hold in your thoughts and think about what you are about to say.
3. Think of possible solutions to the problem.
4. Get exercise. This is always important to mental and physical health. Running actually stimulates the brain to make chemicals that make you feel happier and more relaxed.
5. Having a good sense of humor is important and can cut some of the tension involved around the anger.
6. Practice relaxation skills. This includes deep breathing exercises and imagining calm images such as a nice ocean-front day in a Caribbean Island.
7. Music also helps you to relax, as well as yoga.
Finally, it is important to know when you cannot manage a situation by yourself and need outside help. If your anger is out of control, you can sign up for professional help (anger management classes).
The key to all this is to understand your anger better and what triggers it. It is important to recognize when you are becoming angry early on so that the relaxation techniques and other tips mentioned above can be utilized.
If you confront someone whose anger is out of control, the best thing is to walk away. Engaging that person in conversation can often heighten the anger and result in physical injury.
Eighty-five percent of all disease has a strong link to mental anguish. Your heart is especially vulnerable to the deadly effects of anger. A recent study showed that those with explosive tempers were significantly more likely to have calcium deposits in their arteries, which is a major risk factor for heart attacks.
Being angry is not always a bad thing. The key is managing your anger in a healthy way.[hr] Dr. Garner is a Fidelis Care provider who is affiliated with New York Methodist Hospital, Park Slope. He also hosts “Ask the Doctor” on The NET, Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Channel 97 Time Warner and Channel 30 Cablevision.