My dear brothers and sisters in the Lord,
This week, I will continue my analysis of the Apostolic Exhortation, “The Joy of Love.”
The Pope opens the fourth chapter with the beautiful “Ode to Love” by St. Paul in First Corinthians. This passage is almost universally chosen by brides and grooms to be one of the readings at their weddings.
It is a primer for married life, and, if taken seriously, can sustain couples in all types of difficulties. When I preside at a marriage, I usually tell the couple that they should read this passage together at least once a week. And I give them my guarantee that the difficulties of their marriage can be resolved while they experience greater joy in their love for one another when they follow that advice.
What did St. Paul say? “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (13 Cor 4:7)
In my homily, I usually tell the couple that they must put their “I” before each one of these suggestions of St. Paul. For example; Am I patient? Am I kind? etc. And then we see how this can truly be personalized. This section is a beautiful scriptural analysis of each word of St. Paul as he defines love by its characteristics. The Greek word used in the New Testament is analyzed and is truly a section that should be read by every couple contemplating marriage and by every couple who is already married because the practical nature of the Pauline Ode to Love can be of invaluable assistance in married life itself. Interestingly, when speaking of how love must endure all things, the Pope reminds us of the moving words of Martin Luther King, Jr. “The person who hates you most has some good in him.” King says, “Hate for hate only intensifies the existence of hate and evil in the universe.”
“Marriage is the icon of God’s love for us.” The Pope is saying that couples must become for each other an image of God’s love. An icon is not simply an image, but one with a deeper religious meaning that comes to life over time with prayer, fasting and study. In this section, we find the origin of the title of the Exhortation, “The Joy of Love,” is something that needs to be cultivated. He goes on to say, “Marriage is likewise a friendship marked by passion, but a passion always directed to an ever more stable and intense union… The love of friendship is called ‘charity’ when it perceives and esteems the ‘great worth’ of another person… The most intense joys in life arise when we are able to elicit joy in others, as a foretaste of heaven.”
The Holy Father uses the example of the movie Babette’s Feast, where a generous cook receives a grateful hug and praise; “Ah, how you will delight the angels!” It is a joy and a consolation to bring joy to others; this is what marriage is all about. In an interesting paragraph in the exhortation entitled Marrying for Love, we hear that love is the only purpose for marriage. “The love of friendship unifies all aspects of marital life and helps family members to grow constantly.” The Holy Father then repeats his famous three words, “I want to repeat this! Three words: ‘Please’, ‘Thank you’, ‘Sorry’. Three essential words!” These simple words are the bywords of family life.
In the section entitled Dialogue, we hear, “Dialogue is essential for experiencing, expressing and fostering love in marriage and family life.” Making quality time is important so that couples may understand each other. They should not rush their time together, they must develop a habit of giving importance to the other person. This advice is reminiscent of the method promoted by the Marriage Encounter Movement called “Ten/Ten,” where each couple for ten minutes each day must express their feelings to one another so that their union can be strengthened. This is a wonderful tool for solidifying married life.
But when there are disagreements, the Holy Father says. “Mostly they are about trivial matters.” How true this is and how much we must overcome the trivial for the most important things in life.
Another section talks about passion and love. Building on St. John Paul’s Theology of the Body and the beautiful encyclical of Pope Benedict XVI entitled “God is Love,” the Pope esteems the role of sex in marriage. Pope Francis quotes Pope Benedict XVI when speaking about sex in marriage. He says, “Doesn’t the Church, with all her commandments and prohibitions, turn to bitterness the most precious thing in life? Doesn’t she blow the whistle just when the joy which is the Creator’s gift offers us a happiness which is itself a certain foretaste of the Divine?”
The Pope is reminding us that faith purifies erotic love and opens it to the infinite and not simply to passing physical pleasure. Pope Francis reinforces this point by writing, “Sexuality is not a means of gratification or entertainment; it is an interpersonal language wherein the other is taken seriously, in his or her sacred and inviolable dignity.” Quoting St. John Paul, he continues, “The capacity of expressing love: that love precisely in which the human person becomes a gift.”
The Holy Father warns, however, about violence and manipulation that can enter into the most sacred union of marriage. There can never be the imposition of one spouse upon another as St. John Paul II warned that a couple can be “threatened by insatiability” and goes on to say, “In other words, while called to an increasingly profound union, they can risk effacing their differences and the rightful distance between the two.” The two become one and yet each person of the couple does not lose his or her individual personality and rights. Pope Francis then tells us, “All the same, the rejection of distortions of sexuality and eroticism should never lead us to a disparagement or neglect of sexuality and eros in themselves.”
And finally, in this chapter we hear about the relationship between marriage and virginity. The Holy Father tells us, “Virginity is a form of love. As a sign, it speaks to us of the coming of the Kingdom and the need for complete devotion to the cause of the Gospel.” (1 Cor 7:32)
Virginity makes no sense unless it can be juxtaposed to marriage itself. One state is not inferior or superior to the other. In fact, a quote from Alexander of Hales states, “In one sense marriage may be considered superior to the other sacraments, inasmuch as it symbolizes the great reality of Christ’s union with the Church, or the union of his divine and human natures.” Pope Francis says, “Virginity encourages married couples to live their own conjugal love against the backdrop of Christ’s definitive love, journeying together towards the fullness of the Kingdom.”
Married love should be the context for understanding celibacy, otherwise, it can foster self-absorption. The Holy Father exhorts, “…celibate persons to live their commitment to the Kingdom with greater generosity and openness” when their commitment is to love. The transformation of love during the course of the journey of married couples enables them to show new ways of affection. “Although the body ages, it still expresses that personal identity that first won our heart.”
The marriage bond constantly finds new ways and forms of expression in different ways to grow at the various stages of life. As we leave this section of the exhortation, I would recommend it be required reading for anyone considering the sacrament of marriage today.
In Chapter Five entitled, “Love Made Fruitful,” Pope Francis reminds us, “Conjugal love does not end with the couple… The couple, in giving themselves to one another, give not just themselves but also the reality of children, who are a living reflection of their love…” Children are, indeed, a gift from the Lord. They are a gift that must be cherished. At the same time, the Holy Father reminds us that this does not mean couples are called to have as many children as physically possible. Rather, they must discern together the number of children God is calling them to bring into the world.
In speaking about pregnancy, our Holy Father says, “Pregnant woman can participate in God’s plan by dreaming of her child.” The first nine months in the womb are, indeed, formative in the lives of children. The anxieties of the mother are transmitted to the child in the womb, as are the mother’s joys which can have a lasting effect in the life of a child. The love of the mother and father are indispensable to the child’s integral and harmonious development. But does the father show his children the paternal and maternal face of the Lord? Both of these are so necessary for integral human development. In an interesting quote, Pope Francis says, “Mothers are the strongest antidote to the spread of self-centred individualism…” Mothers watch over their children with tenderness and compassion and teach them a love for others. Meanwhile, fathers help children perceive the limits of life. Both mothers and fathers contribute equally to the rearing of children.
There is a beautiful suggestion for fathers in that “Children need to find a father waiting for them when they return home with their problems.” He goes on to say, “Families should not see themselves as a refuge from society, but instead go forth from their homes in a spirit of solidarity with others,” and that “No family can be fruitful if it sees itself as overly different or ‘set apart.’”
Jesus, Himself, did not grow up in a stifling relationship with Mary and Joseph. The Holy Family invited others into their communion from the manger in Nazareth to the Wedding in Cana. Families must be the first to teach their children of the wider responsibilities to others. Life in the wider family, the extended family, is also important – being sons and daughters who are held to the Fourth Commandment, Honor Thy Father and Mother, which comes directly after the Commandments dealing with God. Pope Francis says, “A society with children who do not honour parents is a society without honour…”
Our capacity to love is evident in how we treat our youngest and our oldest members of society. “The elderly help us to appreciate ‘the continuity of the generations.’” Grandparents are especially important in transmitting the faith and the historical memory of families which are critical. Indeed, as parents die, brothers and sisters also should come closer to one another, helping and caring for one another. Our Holy Father tells us that we should “have a big heart,” and that our responsibilities to our own families should always lead us to take greater responsibility for the other families in our society.
Again, we have put out into the deep, skimming with some quotes from the Exhortation and some my own personal interpretations. It is my hope that you will take the time to read this document, which is truly inspiring and practical.
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