by Dr. Mary Powell
Jesus says in the Bible, “Don’t throw your pearls before swine. They’ll trample them under their feet.” Meaning, not everyone can recognize the value of what is precious.
Pearls are the tender parts of us — our faith, our feelings, our truths, our vulnerability. And swine, in this metaphor, are those who cannot see that value and may treat it carelessly or even crush it. Jesus was warning us not to offer what is sacred to people who are unable, or unwilling, to receive it with care. That always struck me. I have thought to myself, “I’ve really thrown my pearls before some people. Narcissistic people. Toxic people. I’ve thrown my feelings and vulnerability out there, and they’ve been used against me.”
I think about people I know, personally and as patients, who are vulnerable because they’re growing. Especially children. They’ve thrown their pearls before swine who have trampled on them through bullying and other forms of cruelty. I hope they grow stronger. However, we must be careful.
We unintentionally blame the child when we say, “You need to stick up for yourself,” or tell them what they need to change so they won’t get bullied. As if the solution is for the wounded one to toughen up instead of intervening with the bullies themselves, which we can do, and should.
I decided I wanted to write an article based on Jesus’ quote because it had always stayed with me. The idea suddenly came to me to flip it around: Have I ever been the swine? Have I ever trampled on other people’s pearls?
Perhaps not as severely as some, but yes, I have. We all have. And part of reconciliation, part of being Christian, is admitting that. When Jesus says those words, the focus feels like it’s on us being hurt.
But how have I been the one who hurt someone else?
I bullied people as a teenager. I’ve taken things from people emotionally as a young adult. I’ve been insensitive. Interrupting. Attacking. I’m not proud of it. It wasn’t usually intentional. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t land.
Now, in middle adulthood, I see more clearly that sometimes it was more me than them. Taking responsibility is something that comes with maturity and psychological growth.
It’s also complicated. Sometimes it’s me. Sometimes it’s them. Sometimes it’s both. Figuring out who is “more” at fault isn’t always helpful. It’s easier to commit to working on an individual problem in isolation. But when you’re working on things in a relationship, you’re not just dealing with your emotions; you’re dealing with someone else’s too.
In one of the therapies I conduct, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we talk about dialectics. It’s healthier not to see things in an “either-or” way. It’s more effective to hold “both.”
I can be mad at someone and still want to be their friend. A person can have both negative and positive qualities.
If I stick to focusing only on someone’s negative qualities, I’m being the swine. I’m trampling. If I try to look at both, I’m stopping myself before I do.
I don’t have to like their pearls, but I don’t have to step on them. Those pearls are their feelings and who they are, whether I approve of them or not.
I won’t step on them, but I will observe them. I’m allowed.
Maybe there’s something beautiful there, too. Maybe they shine in a way I don’t catch because I’m focused on what irritates me.
Maybe I judge a pearl that’s cracked or smudged, forgetting it could be a wound. Perhaps there’s something about that wound that feels familiar.
I don’t want to trample on pearls. But it’s hard.
If someone casts their pearls as an opinion and I feel convinced I’m right, it’s hard not to crush theirs in the process.
DBT teaches you to look at both sides. You don’t have to approve of the other side. But you don’t have to destroy it either.
We talk so much about protecting our pearls. Boundaries. Self-respect. Not being trampled.
All of that matters. However, we don’t talk as much about the times we are the ones doing the stepping, and that’s uncomfortable.
It’s uncomfortable to admit I’ve cut someone off mid-sentence because I didn’t value what they were saying.
That I’ve minimized someone’s feelings because they didn’t match mine. That I’ve pulled back warmth to make a point.
That’s trampling. Even if it’s subtle.
So, the harder question isn’t who has trampled on me.
Maybe it’s whose pearls have I stepped on lately?
Mary Powell, PhD, LCSW, NCPsyA, is a psychotherapist and professor at Fordham University.