In his book, “Sacred Fire: A Vision for a Deeper Human and Christian Maturity,” Father Ronald Rolheiser wrote the following:
“As outlined in Chapter One, there are three major stages of Christian discipleship: the struggle to get our lives together, the struggle to give our lives away, and, ultimately, the final stage, the struggle to give our deaths away. But this last concept is largely foreign to us. How does one give his or her death away? How can it matter to others how you or I face or undergo our deaths” (p. 284).
I think it is safe to say that Rolheiser dealt with the first stage of Christian discipleship in his wonderful book “The Hungry Longing” and that he dealt with the second stage in his masterpiece, “Sacred Fire,” but what about exploring the third stage, giving our death away? I have been waiting for almost 10 years for Rolheiser to devote a book to the third stage. That book, “Insane for the Light: A Spirituality for the Wisdom Years,” has recently been released, and it is brilliant.
One reason I am devoting some columns to a discussion of Rolheiser’s book is that I want to understand those insights more deeply and share them with others. In trying to pass along insights to others, I hope it will help me grasp his insights more deeply.
Evidence that Rolheiser is correct in saying that the notion that we can give our deaths away is foreign is obvious to me whenever I mention the idea to friends that we can give our deaths away; my comment is greeted with a look of confusion. Often, the person I am speaking to responds by asking, “How can we give our deaths away?” In any column I write about Rolheiser’s new book, I hope I can present Rolheiser’s insights with some clarity, even though his insights deal with the most profound mysteries.
Rolheiser writes the following:
“If we die with guilt, shame, anger, or bitterness, that will be part of what we leave to the world, and it will burden the lives of our family and friends. If we die unreconciled, in bitterness, most every memory we leave behind will cause unease, pain. And that will be our legacy. Conversely if we die at peace, reconciled with our loved ones and the world, with a warm and grateful heart, then that warmth and love will be the spirit we leave behind, and most every memory of us will bring others warmth so that our dying in peace and reconciliation will then be our last gift — a wonderful lasting one — to our loved ones” (p. 13).
Before reading Rolheiser’s book, I thought of an individual’s death as a very personal act in the sense that the person dying was the person he or she chose to be throughout their lives. I think of people as making choices freely. Some choices can seem to be small and perhaps do not lead to serious consequences in the person’s life. However, there are other choices that seem almost incredibly important. I am thinking of choices that enormously influence a person’s life. I think the choice of a vocation is one of those dramatic choices, and the choice of a marriage partner is also one of those choices. How we relate to our loved ones, to our family, to our parents, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, and grandparents can be very important.
In reflecting on our various relationships and on what I would call “the big, important, life-changing choices in my life,” I have come to believe that I am the person I have chosen to be. Can I prove that? Of course not. I am not denying that there have been very important persons and events in my life, as there are in every person’s life, but I believe what I cannot prove, namely, that I am ultimately the product of my free choices. I suspect everyone is ultimately the product of their free choices, though I cannot prove that.
There is a philosophy called “sociologism” (not the same as sociology) that states we are completely the product of the groups to which we belong. Sociologism denies that we are free. When I explain this philosophy in philosophy classes at St. John’s University, I state that sociologism is almost correct because we are strongly influenced by the groups to which we belong, but we are still free.
As I write this column, I am thinking of friends who have had a profound influence on my life. I believe all my close friends have had a profound influence on my life, but none of them have taken away my freedom.
Reading Rolheiser’s book has helped me to see what a great blessing close friends are and also the gift to them that my death can be.
Father Lauder is a philosophy professor at St. John’s University, Jamaica. His new book, “The Cosmic Love Story: God and Us,” is available on Amazon.com and at Barnes & Noble.